I'm feeling pretty down today, and I'm not sure what to do about it. Usually I try to write positive posts, that are real and honest and express my difficulties, but also show you a way out, a step in the right direction. Today I can't promise I can provide that, but perhaps just sharing this will help some feel less alone. As it's Mental Health Awareness Week, of all times, this is the best time to be honest.
My symptoms have been good since my last period. In fact, thinking about it, I think I've had less pain (on a daily basis) than I have in probably months or maybe even a year. But I have a scary feeling that in some way, depression is creeping back in. I've run out of my B vitamins supplement, which if you've read my post on, seem to have a real impact on my mental health, so I have no doubt that it's partly, or who knows, maybe entirely to do with that. But it feels like this has been going on for a bit longer than that (I'm hoping my health shop will have it back in stock today).
Symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
I have this issue where I have to feel like I'm making the most out of life, but to be honest, the complex and ironic thing about it is, no matter what option I choose, I always feel like I'm wasting life, like it's running away from me and I could be living a better, happier life. Don't get me wrong, eating healthier i.e. cutting out the sugar and caffeine really helps with this, exercise really helps with this and meditation really helps with this. But every weekend comes and I just feel so goddamn alone, and so sad, and like I'm missing out on seeing and experiencing life.
The thing is, when you're not feeling your best, it can be so hard to work out what's wrong, what to change. My boyfriend works on a Saturday and I'm a light sleeper, so I wake up at the same time I normally would for work on a Saturday and I've usually gone to bed a little bit later, so for a start I'm tired, and as you know, that doesn't bode very well for me. This begins a spiral, because every weekend I have a lot to do for EndoLife and SoulGraze, and I could literally work both days on these if I wanted to, so I'm really conscious about trying to get through it so I can do more with my weekend than just sit at a laptop. This in itself is just so tricky to get right, I want to work quickly to go and enjoy the weekend, but then I don't enjoy working because I'm trying to rush through it and I'm tired and not doing a very good job of it, so essentially I'm not enjoying the weekend anyway. I love This EndoLife and SoulGraze, and I don't want it to become something that I feel obliged to do and not because it's not fun, but because sometimes it's just so hard to balance all this.
On top of that, my friendships are very separate as in, I don't have one group, so I can't see lots of people at once, which means I always feel like I'm letting people down and not seeing enough of people, and I'm conscious I need down time to rest and look after myself, because when all I do is see friends and work, I end up exhausted. But yet, even if I have two social dates at the weekend, which I've felt is the most I can handle for the past few years, I feel desperately lonely once I'm home. I tell myself to do work, and I feel that all I'm doing is writing all the time, I try to watch a movie and I struggle to choose something because I'm worried it'll be rubbish and a waste of my time. Then I think about the fact that I should have just gone and seen someone else because I'm not doing anything that's making me happy anyway. So whatever option I choose, it's not good enough.
Every weekend is this weird battle to do the right, most productive thing, and I believe this is a symptom of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (when I was 17 I had a near death/near paralysed experience and have never fully recovered) that I can't just be happy with my decisions and what I have in life, because I'm so acutely aware that I may have lost my life and need to do the most with it. But topped with endometriosis - the side effects of being tired a lot, of getting run down easily, of finding it hard to socialise with people because of these things, it becomes this intense balancing act that I am really struggling with at the moment.
Mostly I feel cripplingly alone. Even when I have Whatsapps going off on my phone, I still feel alone. Over the years with endo, I have become more and more isolated and more measured with my boundaries to protect my energy and because I've found it hard to be understood, and I can't seem to break this pattern. Even when I see people, it often doesn't feel intimate, I don't feel connected. It's lovely whilst I'm there, but as soon as Ieave, the sense of isolation comes rushing in again.
Treatment for PTSD
I've had CBT on and off for many years now, and I've tried psychotherapy, but it's intense and I just wasn't strong enough to deal with it then and I know I'm not now. I didn't find CBT massively useful in the long term (however, it is successful and proven to be effective), and feel like I need to get deeper than just re-patterning my behaviours. So today I'm asking for help. What do you think I can do to start feeling better? Less alone? Less panicked about the state of my life? Less sad?
Be grateful for what I have? Get out more? See a healer? Go back to the doctors?
Feel free to email me or get in touch on Insta! I'd be truly thankful. <3